The emotions that hit you can range from relief to total disbelief. I remember waiting 6 months of going through all of the testing and waiting. I was almost bedridden throughout the entire time. I begged almost daily to please give me the answer so that I could get the treatments so I could start getting better. It is so hard waiting for an answer when you are so sick and in so much pain.
Then the day comes and you hear the words from the Doctor that you do have Multiple Sclerosis. At first I was relieved and oddly enough happy to finally have an answer. I actually shook the Doctors hand and thanked him when we left the Hospital. That is where the Specialist was that had to go through all of my testings and symptoms and results. Wow, I actually thanked him for telling me I had Multiple Sclerosis. We walked to the car and pulled out of the parking lot and started the journey home. About five minutes into the ride home my smile started to disappear as I thought back to what was just told to me, and how this disease will affect my life.
All of a sudden the thoughts started circulating through my head. Disease? I have a Disease? How can this be? How do I get rid of this disease? I don't have time for a disease. This means that the Doctors can't just fix me. Why Me? They have to be wrong! I don't want to have a disease. The Doctors have to be wrong. I have kids to raise. How can I be the Mom that I want to be if I have MS?
Obviously, within about twenty minutes into the drive I was very quiet and staring out the window. Not noticing anything going on around me. Thank goodness my Husband was the one driving. All of a sudden I felt the tears rolling down my face. I never did talk the whole way home I just cried. When we arrived at the house I went straight to my bedroom and pretty much locked myself in for about 3 days. Eventually I would come down and stay downstairs but I would start crying again and back to my room I went.
Eventually, I found that coming out of my room at night while everyone was sleeping was easier. I slowly started getting on the computer looking for any information I could find. I found a lot of negative information along with some very bad advice. In time I started finding good information. Hopeful information. That hopeful information started me to look at MS differently. I started to see that I could still have a life. Maybe a different lifestyle or changes in the way I normally did things but that I could still have a life.
There is a time period I went through that I refer to as the "Grieving" process. The grieving process can be short or can take a while to go through. I came to the realization that the "Old Me" is gone and now it is time to find the "New me". Figure out what the new me is capable of. It has been 3 years now and I am still trying to find the new me. It changes frequently due to the fact that Multiple Sclerosis is constantly changing what I am capable of doing. Sometimes for a day and sometimes forever. I have met a lot of people over the Internet with Multiple Sclerosis in the last 3 years. I have found that sadly there are people (fellow MS'ers) that have it a lot worse then me and some that don't.
Multiple Sclerosis affects everyone differently. yes we all have the same disease but they progression is different in everyone. Yes, we all have a lot of the same symptoms but at different degrees of severity. The one thing that I have found is that no matter the degree or level of severity of the disease. The very large family of MS'ers we have joined. Most of them are very helpful. I found it to be very helpful and easier to accept having MS from listening to them and talking to them. It does not take long before newer diagnosed MS'ers will be coming to you for advice or help. The first time someone asks you a question or comes to you and you help them it brings some happiness to you. I have gained so much strength by helping other fellow MS'ers. It has helped me to accept having this disease.
Every time I get down, sad, angry, or even to the point of wanting to just throw the towel in and give up. I think about everyone else fighting this disease and I don't feel so alone.
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